


Milestones

by tellthenight



Series: Rebuild 'Verse [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Destiel - Freeform, M/M, Post-Canon, human!Cas, life after hunting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-11
Updated: 2015-08-11
Packaged: 2018-04-10 10:23:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4388192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tellthenight/pseuds/tellthenight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean pulled up to the duplex right behind Sam’s beat up little Honda and nearly ripped the door off the Impala in his haste to get out. Sam was home first and that scared Dean half to death.</p><p>“What’s wrong? Where’s Cas?” Dean slammed the door behind him and stalked into the little kitchen where Sam sat, a bottle of whisky in his hand.</p><p>Sam shrugged, eyes dead, and Dean’s stomach turned. “Do we need to move on?”</p><p>Sam shook his head, but the clench of his jaw, the way his eyes sunk back…</p>
            </blockquote>





	Milestones

Dean pulled up to the duplex right behind Sam’s beat up little Honda and nearly ripped the door off the Impala in his haste to get out. Sam was home first and that scared Dean half to death.

 

“What’s wrong? Where’s Cas?” Dean slammed the door behind him and stalked into the little kitchen where Sam sat, a bottle of whisky in his hand.

 

Sam shrugged, eyes dead, and Dean’s stomach turned. “Do we need to move on?”

 

Sam shook his head, but the clench of his jaw, the way his eyes sunk back…

 

“Dammit, Sammy. Say something.”

 

Sam fixed him with a glare straight out of his demon-blood drinking days. “I’m fine. Just… go. Okay? I’ll send Cas your way when he gets home.”

 

It took every ounce of willpower Dean had to hold himself together and keep his voice down. “You’re scaring me, Sammy. I just want to help.”

 

Sam pushed his hair back out of his face and shook his head. “There’s… I didn’t do anything, or…”

 

While Sam tried to parse words Dean took steps closer and eventually close enough to pull a chair for himself. He sat while Sam stared into dead space.

 

“What happened, Sam?” He tried again, his voice even lower like his words were anything but a question.

 

“They can just fire you. Don’t like the look of you, or think too much even if you are trying to do the right thing-”

 

“You got fired? It’s okay- I’ve been fired plenty. It was a shitty job that you hated. Now you can find one you like better.” Dean kept his eyes on Sam the whole time he spoke, keeping his tone light, but the rest of him on serious observation mode. If this style didn’t work he’d switch methods, but it was the first one that came to mind.

 

“There are no jobs I like. There are no jobs you like. If we went back to hunting-”

 

“No.” Dean said flat and serious. He stood up and went for a glass. He was going to need some of that whisky. “Clean lives, right? That’s what we said.”

 

“Maybe I was wrong.” Sam took another swig from the bottle and Dean grimaced. He stole the bottle from his brother’s tight fist and poured some for himself. In a glass. Like an adult.

 

“You weren’t wrong.” Dean said after a drink. “We’ve both been better these last few years. We’ve even been staying in each place a little longer each time. Practically putting down roots with four months here and you in college.”

 

“I’m not doing that anymore.” Sam said.

 

“Sam-” Dean set the glass down hard.

 

“We’ll have to move on and I won’t be able to finish anyway.”

 

“We’re not moving on until you finish. I swear to god I will make this happen for you.”

 

Sam snorted. “God, Dean. I’m not a kid anymore. When will you figure that out? I’m pushing forty, right? I have nothing to show for my life that anyone knows about at all.”

 

Dean sat quiet on that one. It was all true. Sam was getting old, Dean was older, and their bodies felt even older than that. For all the work they had done saving people from the creatures of the world, and even saving the entirety of the world a few times, no one outside their peers understood what had happened and who was responsible. To everyone in the world but these few they were absolutely nothing.

 

And this was the burden they always came back to, the three of them circling around the weight of good/evil they’d done and how it balanced. What was their value if they were retired? What would they ever have to show for their sacrifices and scars?

 

They both turned to the door when it opened and Castiel came in. He was dressed in Sam’s clothes this time, as Dean’s shirts had been deemed “too loud” for the library where he had found work as a page. Organizing returned books into their numerical order was soothing to him, he said, and while the work did not pay very well, the noticeable change in Castiel’s temperament after he’d spent a day at work was worth it.

 

Castiel sized up the situation quickly and walked immediately to the cabinet for a glass before sitting at the table and blazing his blue laser eyes into Sam, who had ownership of the bottle. Sam poured for him and Castiel looked between the two of them, settling on Dean

 

“Sam realized that we have nothing to show for all the work we did the last, you know, however many years of our lives.”

 

Castiel frowned. “Guilt?”

 

“More like regret.” Dean said.

 

“I’m right here.” Sam snapped.

 

They all sat together, occasionally taking a sip of the whisky in front of them, but not saying anything until Dean had enough of the silent kum-ba-yah moment and stood up.

 

“I’m going to say one thing and you’re going to listen and then you can do whatever the hell you want.” Dean waited for some sort of acknowledgement, and it came in the form of a small nod. “I’m not happy with what we got right now, and I know you’re not either. But we can change it. We said that when we stopped hunting and I’m going to say it again. We don’t have to play the shitty hand. It wasn’t so long ago that we threw the worst hand on the planet on the floor and shut down the apocalypse, so let’s throw this one down too.”

 

Dean leaned over the table to his brother and Sam met his eyes for the first time in awhile. “Go to school. Meet a girl and do that whole thing. Protect her, love her, have kids, whatever. Just… Go do the things you’ve always talked about. That’s what we said when we left. We’re going to go do the things we’ve always talked about.”

 

Dean stood up, grabbed his glass and walked around the couch and slouched there.

 

“You too, right Dean?” Sam asked. He drank again from the bottle then left it on the table to go upstairs. Dean glanced at him on his way up, but Sam didn’t look back down.

 

Castiel sat next to Dean on the couch. “Sam is unhappy here.”

 

“Sam is unhappy everywhere.” Dean said it flippantly, but he was seriously worried about his brother. He had thought the college thing would begin to solve the problems Sam was having with the transition, but they were a few years out from hunting and Sam was still a mess over it. He didn’t compartmentalize the way Dean had always had to do and Dean worried about what it was doing to his brother.

 

“I’ll make something to eat.” Dean muttered and went to the kitchen, ready to throw himself into food. Cooking was the second best distraction to booze, and he was ready for all the distraction he could get.

 

“How was work, Cas?” Dean asked.

 

Cas abandoned the couch too and leaned against a kitchen counter, watching Dean pull ingredients. “I was told I set a record for ordering and re-shelving books today.”

 

“Is that a good thing?” Dean asked.

 

Cas shrugged. “It certainly helps the library. They use too many teenagers as pages and then wonder why the work doesn’t get done.”

 

“Sounds like a good thing then.” Dean started opening cans and put some hamburger on the stove to brown. Castiel watched every step and when Dean had everything but the frying meat in the big pot, he turned to Cas and smiled.

 

“So Sam is probably going to sleep that off. What should we do tonight?”

 

“We need to help Sam. He is obviously having a crisis.”

 

“A crisis that he refuses to discuss. I can’t make him talk about something he doesn’t want to talk about.

 

“Maybe we should return to the bunker and pick up there. Just research this time.”

 

Dean turned away and his voice went deep and rough. “I’m not going back to that.” Cas put a hand on his shoulder, but Dean didn’t adjust to it. Cas moved into his space then and put an arm around Dean’s waist.

 

“You don’t have to go back. Maybe just Sam if that’s what he wants.” Cas tipped his chin onto Dean’s shoulder.

 

“You really think he should be on his own?” Dean asked after a long moment. He leaned a little so that his ear met Cas’s cheek.

 

“If that’s what he thinks he needs.”

 

Dean went back to work at the stove, adding the meat to the pot of various ingredients now simmering. Cas moved with him, keeping Dean’s body in line with his. Dean stirred and Cas held close and they were both quiet.

 

“Did he say something to you?” Dean asked after a minute.

 

“Not to me, but he has said it again and again as long as I’ve been here. Maybe before.”

 

“I don’t know. Maybe.”

 

Cas leaned into Dean now, holding a little tighter at the waist, pulling into the curve of his neck.

 

“If you let him go he may figure out what he wants.”

 

Dean stared into the chili he’d made and his face didn’t register the rapid progression of thoughts in his brain. “I really thought he was going to do the school thing this time.”

 

“He’s past that stage, maybe.”

 

Dean nodded absently. “You wanna stir this?” he twisted a little to see Cas on his shoulder, and the corner of his mouth went up a little at the eye contact.

 

“Yes,” Cas stepped back and Dean turned to him. “What do I need to do?”

 

“Just make sure it doesn’t burn on the bottom.”

 

“I can do that.”

 

Dean offered a faint smile and gripped Castiel’s shoulder on the way by.

 

Upstairs, he knocked to no answer and then announced that he was coming in anyway. Maybe he’d find Sam passed out for the night- he had no idea how much alcohol Sam had consumed before he got home. But Sam sat on one of the end corners of his bed, papers spread around him and his eyes red.

 

“Hey, Sammy.”

 

“I don’t want to talk.”

 

“Okay.” Dean moved into the room slowly, eventually sitting on the other corner of the bed. The papers were transcripts and letters and essays. To get in he had written his life down, but facing the absolute goddamn tragedy his life was on paper had been too much and he and Dean had worked together for hours to pare everything down into something true but neat. There was too much loss and too much unaccounted time.

 

There was a resume too that they had carefully crafted. Phone calls for references went to Jody and Donna and one went to Dean.

 

“If going back to the bunker gets you something you want you should do it.” It was difficult to spit out the words, but once they were out there Dean’s chest nearly lit on fire while waiting for a response. He wanted Sam to say no, absolutely not- of course he was staying in school and moving closer to his old dreams, but he knew what the answer should be and he was willing to argue Sam down if he said no.

 

“I can’t leave you here, Dean.”

 

“You wouldn’t be leaving me. I want to be here, you want to be there. I figure we’ve spent a lot of time on the chase together and we can move separate now if you need to.”

 

Sam laughed, sarcasm evident even in that sound. “Did Cas tell you to say that?”

 

“He made me think about what you need instead of what we’ve always done. I want you to do what you need, even if it’s going back to hunting.” Dean cleared his throat and looked at the door. “I’m gonna stay here for awhile no matter what you decide.”

 

Sam slumped a little and his eyes went sad again. “Everything we talked about when we said there were things we wanted to do? I can’t have any of it. They’re milestones I missed and I think I’m realizing now that I can’t go back. I thought college was the next step to get back on track, but every second I sit in a classroom I know I’m wasting my time. I don’t need it. I need to get back into the real world that needs help.”

 

“Helping the world hasn’t exactly turned out so well for us.”

 

“But if you’re staying here I’m not going to be fucking up the world to save you all the time.” Sam smiled to himself and Dean laughed.

 

“I’m not going to be doing anything that requires you to save me.”

 

“So you and Cas just play normal here and I go back to hunting? That’s really okay with you?”

 

Dean didn’t want to open his mouth. He wasn’t sure what was going to come out- the thing he wanted to say for Sam’s sake, or his own selfish desire to keep his brother close. “I don’t know if what me and Cas are doing here is normal, but as for the rest- yeah. I want you to do that if you think that’s what you want.”

 

Sam nodded. “I’ll think about it and let you know.”

 

“Okay. Wanna come down? I left Cas is stirring a pot of chili.”  
  


Cas already had servings ready like he had been listening in and he looked pleased with himself. They all sat and ate, and when they were done Sam insisted on cleaning up the kitchen. Cas hovered close, but Dean eventually got him over to the couch to watch tv. Sam joined them, flopping onto the other end of the couch with his long legs propped up on the coffee table.

 

“Don’t have homework tonight?”

 

“I’m going to withdraw tomorrow and I’ll leave as soon as I get the refund.” Sam’s eyes held fiercely to the tv.

 

Dean swallowed and forced a smile. “Figure out what you need so we can stock you up before you go.”

 

“I will.”

 

Dean kept his eyes on the tv too, but Cas’s hand tightened on his knee and he leaned a little closer.

 

Sam went up first, and Dean didn’t see the point in staying up any longer. He hurried through brushing his teeth and hanging his clothes so that he could crawl into bed and attempt to shut off his brain for a few hours. It had been looping violence and destruction ever since Sam said he was going to go and he had to shut it off.

 

Cas slid under the blanket too so they were side by side. Dean could tell he wanted to say something, but he desperately hoped he wouldn’t ask. Not now.

 

“Dean. I just want to say… you’re doing good for him.”

 

“Am I?”

 

“Maybe going back will tell him what he needs to know so that he can be happy. Maybe he comes back here with a different perspective.”

 

“And maybe he stays there and I only see him at Christmas and Fourth of July.”

 

“There is no reason that we have to stay in California. We can live in Kansas without hunting.”

 

“We’re not moving back to Kansas, Cas.” Dean found Cas’s hand under the blanket and grasped tight. “We have to give him space so he knows this is his.”

 

“Colorado? Nebraska? Missouri?”

 

“Not now, Cas.”

 

Cas went quiet and they both stared up at the ceiling.

 

“We’ll go somewhere, Cas, but I don’t know right now.” Dean rolled on his side and pulled on Cas’s hand before releasing him to see if he’d come along. Cas lined up against his back, so his chin dipped just under Dean’s shoulder. He put a hand on Dean’s shoulder, letting his elbow rest against Dean’s ribs.

 

“You were right.” Dean said after they’d lain quiet a while. He wants to do this but he was staying for me.” He swallowed and shook his head slightly. “I can’t go back, Cas. I… I can’t break anymore.” He breathed in ragged and back out. Cas dropped his arm down across Dean’s chest and to his surprise, Dean reached up to take his hand.

 

“I just want to be. I want to work on cars and come home and… and you’re here with me.”

 

Cas wasn’t sure what to say- what Dean wanted to hear or needed to hear. He finally settled on “Then we will do that.” More than anything Dean needed to hear that his personal desires were valid, that seeking the life he wanted to carve for himself was reasonable, fair and right.

 

Dean squeezed Cas’s hand. “Maybe Colorado.” he said into the dark.

  
“I will go wherever you are, Dean.” Cas said, leaning his forehead to meet the back of Dean’s head. He felt Dean relax against him, and he held him close like that until he breathed gently in sleep.  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I really appreciate your comments.
> 
> You can find more of my work at captainawesomeellie.tumblr.com


End file.
